I posted this on Facebook for World Mental Health:
Really long ass post for World Mental Health Day. Read it or keep scrolling. I say that with love because I know someone won’t resonate…this is for those that do.
I’m not posting to this to make anyone feel sad or feel sorry for me. Never ever, I don’t jive with victim vibe. Some will think I’m crazy or not well…or whatever. I feel our past just adds to the juice of wisdom we become. Some may never want to coach with me because of my rawness…or they will think I’m brave and feel they flow more with me now. Or, or, or.
I post this as a freaking warrior of grace. I post this to make people aware. To tell a story of triumph. Over and over again, I rose. I know my story. And do I think I’m crazy? As opposed to normal? Well I would chose crazy over normal because I don’t believe in “normal.” I know the feeling when things feel normal but I don’t know how to quantify normal. I only know my own experience and that I love to feel centered, balanced, aligned, and at peace within.
Because I know truly what it feels like to feel crazy in the way that maybe only a certain number of people have. But I also think some may think I’m crazy to believe in miracles and so many other things beyond the human understanding on a spiritual plane. That I stay optimistic and positive. I have to because I know how darkness feels. I know what hopeless feels like. I know what broken feels like. I know shame well. I know not wanting to be on the planet. I know what feeling insane feels like. I’ve felt it a couple times in my life and it’s really scary.
I’ve been blessed to have a family who loved me through it. I have a Higher Power who has gotten me through it all as well. My parents, sister, and husband never made me feel anything but me. The me that they know who feels deeply. When I’m mad, you know. When I’m sad, you know. When I’m happy which is 99% of the time, you know. When I love, it’s with my whole being. They know I try hard to be my best even when I’m not and I will always, always try to improve myself and be the best person for them. They know I strive to love, support, and show up for them even when it’s hard.
Those that truly know me know I try to be as authentic as I can but I’ll never share all my story because there are parts I hold onto because they are not just about me. I am stronger than some will ever know and they can’t without knowing everything but also because for some people, I think life just feels heavier. You can say it is a victim mindset which can be a part of it. The energy component is also there though and a bigger piece. Some people, as much as we don’t want to, feel things to an intensity that we are called sensitive but it’s really just an awareness. Our systems are more open to intuition and radar for truth in words and vibes with volume on louder.
As a teen, I suffered from anxiety and depression. Because of when I grew up, we didn’t know what we know now. I had panic attacks as a kid which because we didn’t know, I just felt like I was weak, crazy, different, and alone inside. Always with the happy face because I’m good at hiding, pretending, and being fake as many of us are when we are truly in pain. I became bulimic because of this and many reasons at 15. My low self-esteem, desire to be liked, people pleasing, and it was a way to purge all the feelings I didn’t know how to handle or deal with. I was put on medication that made me suicidal. The depression I went through is something that is hard to put into words because it was like a different reality where I didn’t feel like myself anymore. It swallowed me up. No hope, no more me. I tried to kill myself twice. I became a cutter in order to take that pain and feel a delusional and sick release. To manifest the inward pain to outward pain and ultimately punish myself in the process.
I was hospitalized in an eating disorder unfit for months and then outpatient for months. Eventually I got better, took myself off of all mediation, and wanted to put it all behind me and be a normal teen. So I did.
In my adulthood, my mental health took me to a dark place during my third pregnancy with my hormones. I went through debilitating panic attacks, OCD, and a feeling of disconnection from self that I felt crazy again. I went to therapy and thank God after he was born, I was back to the good me. My favorite self. When I had babies, I never felt more like me even in the tiredness and overwhelm. I never felt more in my purpose. No wonder I have five kids.
I published two books, clients across the globe, and balancing business and home life meant I needed to relax, decompress, keep any anxiety, that I’m hard wired to have, at bay. Drinking was my me time, couple glasses of wine at night, only partying sometimes. But alcoholism is a progressive disease and it was slowly taking me down as I used it as my medicine.
In 2019, I was drinking to deal with a diagnosis from one of my kids and also my husband’s health at the time. I had many of times of overdoing my drinking in the past but would rebound and think I could drink like a “normal” person. My mental health is too precious for me to ever risk that again because I can remember losing myself so I know I just cannot drink.
My drinking to celebrate and be fun turned into really me wanting to alter my state so I didn’t have to feel. On the contrary, it was activating all these past issues I had had. Major feeling it like blood pulsing through your veins anxiety, depression, food restriction, feeling not myself, and alone came back. I kept saying “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle anymore. It’s too much for me, “ and basically saying I need help. Without actually getting any help or releasing the help I needed was to quit drinking, connect with my Higher Power and surrender them addiction, and take care of myself. That it was something I, myself, was going to have to do, No one was going to save me. Except my Higher Power. I had a willingness to put in the work and stop looking for my outside world to change when I was the one who had to change.
I am so grateful to be I. The place I am now. I feel whole. Is every moment perfect? I guess it kind of is even if it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll always be learning to navigate the human experience and emotions because that’s what the journey is. I am wildly happy and feel grounded. I am vigilant about my mental health and my alcoholism, so I know how I have to live. Peace, love, and joy…and good vibes are what I post because spreading it make me feel like me. I like me. My favorite self so far is this.
There is so much more I could say and I think maybe there is another book in me that will be about this. I share this long ass post which is a small amount of the story, but I want to take away the stigma of mental health, make people feel less alone, and to have hope. Hold onto that hope. That things will get better. You are strong. You are worthy of good things. You are valued. And I send you all love.